going home for winter break in three days. thirty-four days in cumming.
there is nothing i would like to do less.
hating home makes me feel like a bitch.
but sitting on the couch, watching the kardashians, or laying in bed playing sims gets really old after a few days.
i don't have a highschool group to go back to.
going home reminds me that i was sort of "left behind". (or did i leave people behind?)
this semester was hard.
but looking back, i feel like for the first time, i actually learned from some of the mistakes.
i don't feel naive anymore. i don't feel like i am jaded for having a rough few months.
i learned that having good friends is something that is irreplaceable. but so is being a good friend.
i know what people are capable of and i know what i am capable of.
i know no greater feeling than being forgiven and practicing forgiveness.
i have been humbled.
i have people who will drop what they're doing and take a walk with me so i can get fresh air. i have people that can tell when i am ready to say what's going on, or know when to be a much-needed distraction. they know when to ignore the fact that i say to 'never' hug me and do it anyway.
and these people also can tell me to shut the fuck up and stop acting like a bitch. they aren't afraid to tell me i'm being dramatic or irrational or selfish. they know when to back off and let me cool off on my own.
i was terrified to come to school this semester because i didn't want to be here without "him".
and it was hard. and it is hard.
it's hard to come across old pictures and wonder what went wrong
it's hard to not feel worthy enough of eye contact or a wave.
it's embarrassing to count how many times i left a place or made a u-turn to avoid him.
there is a slight void, looking back at the semester and realizing that all of the plans we made fell through. i mean, thank god we didn't take that class together, right?
i know it had to happen and i hate that i still think about it.
it bothers me that you moved on so easily, when i was always the one that didn't care about our relationship. it makes me wonder if you cared about me, or if you liked having someone to care about.
it makes me feel like an idiot. and it makes me feel like a girl.
(because i had a little hope that once we saw each other in august, we would forget whatever happened this summer)
i wonder if this is how i made you feel, the time you said i was selfish and disrespectful. if it is, i'm sorry.
the friends i have aren't judgmental. someone told me that it sucks to have your heartbroken and that it just takes time.
i wasn't aware that my heart broke and i didn't mean to give a guy that power.
it is nice to have people that will stay in with me if i'm not invited to a party because of him.
it's nice to have people that will stand outside and wipe my drunken tears when i'm sobbing because my drunk "i misdi youyi" text did not get a response.
it feels good to feel like i learned from this.
it is humbling to know that it was my fault.
and it's a little disturbing to realize the way i fucked up that relationship is the way i have fucked up friendships that meant just as much to me. (or more.)
finals week is always torture. but misery loves company.
it's kind of fun to study for endless hours with people who you love and who love you.
i'm sure i would be more productive if i added sleep to the mix, but that would take out some of the fun.
i am sure i would be less stressed if i would have started a week earlier, instead of taking a complete break from everything academic. (but who doesn't thrive on debilitating amounts of stress and anxiety?)
being trapped in a room in the same outfit for multiple days is amusing to me.
and through everyone's breakdowns and declarations of suicide or apathy which 99% of the time resulted in chain smoking and sobbing....through developing a friendship with the dominos delivery guy and sleep deprivation that ended in embarrassing photo shoots and belting justin bieber and christmas songs....i think we all got even closer.
there aren't many people that i would let wake me up so i could edit their fifteen page paper that is due in an hour. there aren't many people that would take time out of studying for their final to explain to me the material that is on mine.
fuck. sometimes this college seems like hell. it has some shitty qualities and it's hard to escape mistakes since everyone finds out about them. but what would i have done if i had not met people who bring me cookies from the cafeteria so i don't have to get up, or people that force me to take a nap and ignore my request to wake me up in an hour because they knew that i needed it.
my friends are such fuckers. but i love them.
and i wouldn't have had these experiences this semester if i was still with "him"...and i wouldn't appreciate how amazing the people in my life are if i hadn't lost people like the ones in georgia.
so i will be counting down the days to get back to school.
here's to trashy tv, computer games, playing scrabble with my mother, and getting my wisdom teeth out.
(but i am so fucking excited to actually be there for christmas. i really really love my family.)
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