questionable morals

despite the self-loathing and insecurity that has been present in me for as long as i can remember, i have always prided myself on having the belied that i am able.

i know i am able to get good grades
i know i am able to be a good leader
i know i am able to be a good friend
i know i am able to stick to my morals.

i have accomplished something in each of these little sections this semester.
except one? maybe?

before...senior year?, i was always the one to step up and say "that's not a good idea."
i got lot of shit for it. especially middle-high school when it wasn't considered admirable to have the teacher like you.

but now? what has happened to me?

i'm not saying that i have gone off the deep end and do a lot of really immoral shit. because...all things considered, i am not an extremely rebellious person. i care a lot about how my superiors perceive me, and that is what keeps me going to class and what causes me to have an overwhelming amount of anxiety if a teacher or person in power is angry with me.

i am not proud of myself, though.
i was just standing outside the library, smoking a cigarette.
as i exhaled i was thinking about how fucking good it felt. and then i saw it.
i saw myself, as if i was someone else. i felt detached from my body. i was behind it. and i was looking at myself smoking.

when did i start?
and...why?
how many cigarettes in rendered me "a smoker"?
at what point did my body start to crave nicotine?

i have this horrible feeling that i started smoking because my friends do it. i know that my first cigarette was the summer before college. at a party. (at my house.)
the party is laughable. it was a few people that i invited, plus a bunch of people that came because they hoped my brother would be there. (he wasn't. but they stayed because there was booze.)
and there was one handle of rum.
for like....20 people.
one of the guys that showed up is really attractive. he asked me if it was okay if he smoked up outside and i said yeah. him and another guy went towards the door and then they asked if i "wanted some"
i decided that yes, i did want to go outside with two attractive guys that i had been going to school with since 8th grade, yet had never spoken to me.
it then occurred to me that they were smoking weed. it made me uncomfortable, but i was embarrassed that i had not known the difference between smoking up and smoking. so i let them do it. i took a hit. i coughed, a lot.
"first time, huh?
one of them asked me. i nodded and they looked at each other.
then they said it was probably not the best idea for me to smoke up for the first time in my state (looking back i was hardly drunk. but it was my drunkest night yet.)
i nodded, secretly grateful. they handed me a cigarette though. an american spirit. i smoked the whole thing. it made me so incredibly nauseous that i left the party and went to bed early.

cigarettes have always grossed me out, but at the same time, i have always been mesmerized of how smoke curls in the air and the relaxation that comes over a smoker's face after his first long drag.

i guess that's why i did it again.
not until college. and first semester, i pretty  much only did it when i was drunk. and when someone offered.
my first sober cigarette happened when i ended up with a pack after a night out. it was in my purse and i was with one of my friends. we were getting our nails done and shopping. we had borrowed my boyfriend-type-figure's car. we were getting gas and it was really cold and we were talking about how stressed out we were...because it was late, my phone had died and we didn't know the way back without a gps, and the tank was on empty. neither of us had much money so we were not positive how we'd pay for it.

she said that it was times like those that made her understand why people smoke.

i realized they were in my purse. so we had one.
neither of us were smokers. we both, however, submitted to drunken chain-smoking on a regular basis at that point. we got looks of disapproval from a mother with her child and we were kind of giddy and it was windy so neither of us finished it.

at some point, i started to buy packs of cigarettes on my own. it would take me two or three weeks to finish them. i only smoked when i was drunk.

the first time i remember smoking alone (but it may not have been the first time i smoked alone) was when i was walking to the train station. i simply wanted something to do with my hands. i realized how quickly the walk went by when i smoked. so i became a sort of closet smoker. only when i was walking to and from the train. and behind buildings with a smoker-friend. and on drunken nights.

and then at some point, it became a habit. it became a way to calm my anxiety. it became a reward for studying for a long period of time. a way to break up time, something to do with my hands. something to obsess about and measure and the added bonus of it suppressing my appetite.

i am not proud of smoking. i think it's disgusting. i get embarrassed when people that i have not yet gotten to know well see me smoking.

i am hesitant to classify my nicotine habit as an addiction, because if i "can't" smoke, i don't mind. (like when i am with family) over thanksgiving, over summer...during the average day, i did not think "hmm a cigarette would be really delicious right now.

i think (fleetingly?) about smoking in moments of anxiety. or when i see someone smoking. or when someone asks me if i want to go outside and smoke.
but i do not feel that my body craves it.
if i do not have enough money, or transportation, i am okay with not having cigarettes.

i think it's pointless.
it was pointless for me to start. i would have been better off not knowing.
i am both curious and addictive. bad combination.
could i quit? yes, i'm sure i could quit very easily.


do i wan to quit? i don't think so.
and that is what bothers me and disappoints me. that i don't care enough about my health and my image to quit.

i could go on and on. and in the same way with other substances and habits.
but for now, i'm going to go have a cigarette.

i'm kidding. i just thought that would be hysterically ironic but it wasn't, really.

rambling about my cool friends

in an act of rebellion, i am procrastinating on studying and editing. (despite the fact that this act of rebellion has been consistent for almost a full week.)

going home for winter break in three days. thirty-four days in cumming.
there is nothing i would like to do less.
hating home makes me feel like a bitch.
but sitting on the couch, watching the kardashians, or laying in bed playing sims gets really old after a few days.
i don't have a highschool group to go back to.
going home reminds me that i was sort of "left behind". (or did i leave people behind?)

this semester was hard.
but looking back, i feel like for the first time, i actually learned from some of the mistakes.
i don't feel naive anymore. i don't feel like i am jaded for having a rough few months.

i learned that having good friends is something that is irreplaceable. but so is being a good friend.
i know what people are capable of and i know what i am capable of.
i know no greater feeling than being forgiven and practicing forgiveness.
i have been humbled.
i have people who will drop what they're doing and take a walk with me so i can get fresh air. i have people that can tell when i am ready to say what's going on, or know when to be a much-needed distraction. they know when to ignore the fact that i say to 'never' hug me and do it anyway.
and these people also can tell me to shut the fuck up and stop acting like a bitch. they aren't afraid to tell me i'm being dramatic or irrational or selfish. they know when to back off and let me cool off on my own.

i was terrified to come to school this semester because i didn't want to be here without "him".
and it was hard. and it is hard.
it's hard to come across old pictures and wonder what went wrong
it's hard to not feel worthy enough of eye contact or a wave.
it's embarrassing to count how many times i left a place or made a u-turn to avoid him.
there is a slight void, looking back at the semester and realizing that all of the plans we made fell through. i mean, thank god we didn't take that class together, right?
i know it had to happen and i hate that i still think about it.
it bothers me that you moved on so easily, when i was always the one that didn't care about our relationship. it makes me wonder if you cared about me, or if you liked having someone to care about.
it makes me feel like an idiot. and it makes me feel like a girl.
(because i had a little hope that once we saw each other in august, we would forget whatever happened this summer)
i wonder if this is how i made you feel, the time you said i was selfish and disrespectful. if it is, i'm sorry.

the friends i have aren't judgmental. someone told me that it sucks to have your heartbroken and that it just takes time.
i wasn't aware that my heart broke and i didn't mean to give a guy that power.
it is nice to have people that will stay in with me if i'm not invited to a party because of him.
it's nice to have people that will stand outside and wipe my drunken tears when i'm sobbing because my drunk "i misdi youyi" text did not get a response.

it feels good to feel like i learned from this.
it is humbling to know that it was my fault.
and it's a little disturbing to realize the way i fucked up that relationship is the way i have fucked up friendships that meant just as much to me. (or more.)

finals week is always torture. but misery loves company.
it's kind of fun to study for endless hours with people who you love and who love you.
i'm sure i would be more productive if i added sleep to the mix, but that would take out some of the fun.
i am sure i would be less stressed if i would have started a week earlier, instead of taking a complete break from everything academic. (but who doesn't thrive on debilitating amounts of stress and anxiety?)
being trapped in a room in the same outfit for multiple days is amusing to me.
and through everyone's breakdowns and declarations of suicide or apathy which 99% of the time resulted in chain smoking and sobbing....through developing a friendship with the dominos delivery guy and sleep deprivation that ended in embarrassing photo shoots and belting justin bieber and christmas songs....i think we all got even closer.
there aren't many people that i would let wake me up so i could edit their fifteen page paper that is due in an hour. there aren't many people that would take time out of studying for their final to explain to me the material that is on mine.

fuck. sometimes this college seems like hell. it has some shitty qualities and it's hard to escape mistakes since everyone finds out about them. but what would i have done if i had not met people who bring me cookies from the cafeteria so i don't have to get up, or people that force me to take a nap and ignore my request to wake me up in an hour because they knew that i needed it.

my friends are such fuckers. but i love them.
and i wouldn't have had these experiences this semester if i was still with "him"...and i wouldn't appreciate how amazing the people in my life are if i hadn't lost people like the ones in georgia.

so i will be counting down the days to get back to school.
here's to trashy tv, computer games, playing scrabble with my mother, and getting my wisdom teeth out.

(but i am so fucking excited to actually be there for christmas. i really really love my family.)

lonely

they say
"there are other fish in the sea"
but i sometimes think
that i'm in an aquarium.

early morning

maybe it's a little unhealthy
but i like it better at night
i like when it's quiet and serene and still.

i actually attempted to sleep tonight.
but i woke up at 2:30 to a phone call from my crying crazy, drunken best friend
and after a long conversation with her, decided it wasn't worth going back to bed.

sunrise in an hour. gross.

an ode, of sorts

living with you is sort of a disaster, but it's also the best few months i've had.
i have never been in the presence of someone who could make me laugh as hard as you can.
and honestly, you can annoy the shit out of me.
but you help me realize when i am being petty. you let me know when i am being irrational and pyschotic.
you are very powerful. more powerful than you think.
you are loyal and honest to yourself and others.
you carry an immense amount of creativity and wisdom


you can make me laugh if i don't want to smile. you brighten up our room.
you have a sharp intuition, though, and know when to turn down your jokes. (most of the time)

you understand me. why i am the way i am. why i do the things that i do. you understand but you don't judge and you don't make me explain it over and over and over. you just understand. and you will listen. you understand the 'give and take'. it may have taken a while for the two of us to open up to one another, but when we finally did, so much fell into place.

i honestly couldn't ask for a better person to sleep above me
or to text me ten million times a day
or to sit next to me in french
or to sing hairspray with
or wear halloween costumes just for the hell of it with
or to take 60 dollar cab rides with
.....et cetera.

i don't know how i would function without you translating the chinese delievery people and the russian cab drivers for me.

never forget that you're the excedrin to my hangover, the lightbulbs to my wood lounge, the cinnamon to my toast, the monica to my rachel, and the elder wand to my invisibility cloak and resurrection stone.


you are one of a kind, setsuko and i'm lucky to have you in my life.

thoughts

kind of changing.

sabino canyon hike. 'zona.

my life is a lot different this year as compared to last.

i now have everything that i wanted to have last year: freedom, friends, and holidays with my family.

but i wonder sometimes if that has come at a price.

do i deserve to have these things if i manipulated my way to get them?




i am still trying to make myself take the final leap of faith, so i can leave my long, destructive, and distorted past behind.

i have had glimpses of what that would look like, but i keep looking back.
and it has me wondering if i am actually stuck again or merely in a "looking back" phase.

feeding the homeless, thanksgiving 2010

it was nice to spend thanksgiving with my family, instead of awkwardly with people i did not know.


but i think i had more fun last year. less stress. more safety.
home again in just a few weeks, and i'll have time away from the stresses of school to think more.
but for now, i will immerse myself in some ass kicking finals review. oh dear jesus.